Should Potential Be Enough?

For the first time in my life, I felt as though I found a woman who saw real substance in my dreams. It was like a breath of fresh air. To live life, not according to criteria sent down from on-high, but according to the potential of our mutual love. Life was never the same again.

                                                                                         -          Narrator, From Scholar to Felon

Over the past several months, there has been a tremendous amount of discussion centered on the choosing of one’s partner (girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, spouse) with regards to potential. Most of the discussion has suggested that one not choose one’s partner based on potential and much of that advice has been directed towards women - African American women with great specificity. Jada Pinkett Smith advises a friend to 

make sure you are not falling in love with the POTENTIAL of someone. We must know the difference between loving people for who they already are vs. loving the idea of what they COULD be. Make sure you are loving him for who he is today. His potential should be the icing...not the cake. (Smith)

Paul Brunson echoes Smith in his article, “Falling in Love with Potential is a Mistake!,”

reiterating that “falling in love with potential is a mistake” (Brunson). He goes on to say

So often I see good-willed people focus much of their energy on attempting to “rescue” or “upgrade” their partner… They haven’t fallen in love with the man/woman, they have actually fallen in love with the “ideal” of the man/woman. This is dangerous, simply because often times the “ideal” is never realized.

When I think about this topic from a masculinist position – the New Masculinism – I almost totally agree with the sentiments of Smith and Brunson: almost. When attempting to understand “the travail of black mothers [as] the conduit through which black sons acquire an understanding of masculinity that is at once both sexual and political,” I can understand the dangers of falling in love with and/or attaching one’s life outlook to the potential of a man (Labancamy); as Brunson writes, “this is dangerous…the ideal is never realized.” But, I also find the position somewhat problematic, particularly as a black man.

Potentially black love builds communities.

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The fact that I believe that black men in America have a tenuous hold on middle-class patriarchal masculine criteria does not need to be repeated here. What I do want to remind everyone of is: men of my generation are seeking to develop more helpful and healthier conceptions of masculinity. Some of us are having a difficult time reconciling the call for this development by our foremothers – Morrison, Naylor, Walker, Giovanni, hooks, etc. – and the attitudes of many of the women with whom we are contemporary. On the one hand, you have post-ERA mothers raising liberated young women and imploring their sons to understand that women are to be treated equally, in comparison to men, and with respect. On the other hand, the daughters have developed dating and mating attitudes reflective of the following:

Some [women] give up on marriage, like, ‘I’m never going to find a guy who has a job, makes as much as I do, who’s cute, that I can’t pick up and spin around!’ (qtd. in Johnson)

It seems that while many black men are attempting to curtail the behaviors and attitudes – stemming from middle-class patriarchal masculinity – that engender the need for the many black feminisms that exist, many black women have internalized many of the criteria associated with middle-class patriarchal masculinity with regards to their outlook on a potential partner and dating in general. In an age when women were almost precluded from the workplace, I could have understood the desire to find a man with a job, a good job. In such a time, women should have made sure that the mate that they chose could support not only the woman, but any potential offspring that may have arisen during the course of the relationship. But, in an age when women’s liberation has not only been realized, but mandated, I ask my women readers: why does it matter if your mate has a job or makes as much money as you do? You have a job, do you not? Should men hold the same standards with regards to women? I am just a little confused. If you have a job, a good job, and the man you love does not, yet your salary could support you both: what is the problem? Some women seemingly want to have their cake and eat it, too. And that is fine. I was always told that it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind (be liberated until you find that man that you decide to be with). I was told that by my grandfather, a practitioner of middle-class patriarchal masculinity. Such a position does not seem to reflect the liberation of which women so ardently speak.

            Just a note on women’s liberation and the idea of gender equality. I have a friend. She and her brother are roughly the same age (actually they are the same age, for they are twins). When the young lady went off to college, her parents paid for her tuition, her off-campus apartments and her car (s). The brother had to earn his own way. Upon graduation, the young lady was lauded for how well she managed the university and for the independent spirit she demonstrated; the brother needed an extra year and a half to graduate the university. He worked full-time to cover his educational expenses and the opportunity time that could have been spent studying was sometimes spent working. In the same family, a family dominated by women for the brother and father were the only males in a household of at least eight persons, the young man is treated one way and the young lady another. What are we doing to our children? Some may think: the father was raising his son to be a real man. Ok. What was he raising the daughter to be? If I said a passive receptacle to reproduce concepts of middle-class patriarchal masculinity, would I be wrong? Let us move on.

            Smith reminds us to “know the difference between loving people for who they already are vs. loving the idea of what they COULD be. Make sure you are loving him for who he is today” (Smith). And, in a posting on the Urban Cusp Facebook fanpage, managing editor Rahiel Tesfamariam suggests that we not “be seduced by counterfeits. Someone can be in love with the idea of you. An image of who you are that they manufactured for their own personal pleasure and contentment” (qtd. in Urban Cusp) (I first caught wind of this discussion via Urban Cusp’s Rahiel Tesfamarian. Urban Cusp is a great source for everything hip, divine and urban; check it out!). On the surface, I really agree with both the sentiment of Smith’s argument and Tesfamariam’s argument. I would suggest that everything we do with our lives seems to be rooted in idealism and potential, however. Remember the American Dream. (I’ll never forget when a girl was friendly to me because she said I had earning potential. Hah! Fooled her.). Hard work and dedication result, sometimes, in the attainment of dreams based on ideals. Sometimes all that is available is POTENTIAL...and sometimes what is most needed is someone who believes in and supports your drive towards becoming what you have dreamed of becoming. Perhaps, this is a role a parent or guardian should have provided. Some of us do not have the luxury of the noble lineage. Some of us get such support where we find it. Ultimately, I would leave each to his or her own. If you want to support someone because you believe in his or her potential and that makes you happy, then knock yourself out. Life is too short to do otherwise. Be happy. Unfortunately, some people are more concerned about what their friends will say when their friends discover that they are dating a man or woman who only possesses potential. “Why you dating him (or her)?” And then the trouble begins.

                                                                   Works Cited

Brunson, Paul. “Falling in Love with Potential is a Mistake!” 7 June 2013.

                        http://paulcbrunson.com/2013/06/falling-in-love-with-potential-is-a-mistake/

Johnson, Christopher. “Single Black Man Seeks LTR. Single Black Woman? Not So Much.” 4 June 2013.

                        http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2013/06/04/188643185/for-black-singles-a-big-gender-
                        split-on-views-of-long-term-relationships

Labancamy Jankins. About Us.

                        http://labancamyjankins.weebly.com/about.html

Pinkett-Smith, Jada. “A letter to a friend.” Jada Pinkett Smith Facebook Fanpage. 28 Ma 2013.

                        https://www.facebook.com/jada/posts/10151700764641320

Tesfamariam, Rahiel. Posting. Urban Cusp Facebook Fanpage. 25 April 2013.

                        https://www.facebook.com/urbancusp?fref=ts